


clandestine meetings and longing stares

by astrodrag



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Songfic, and lifeguards?, anybody call for some college lesbians?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25520956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrodrag/pseuds/astrodrag
Summary: Shea and Brianna fall in love over the summer, Brianna falls for Juju at college, and Juju falls for Shea while trying to make Brianna jealous.
Relationships: Miz Cracker/Jujubee, Shea Couleé/Jujubee, Shea Couleé/Miz Cracker, Shea Couleé/Miz Cracker/Jujubee
Comments: 32
Kudos: 35





	1. august slipped away into a moment in time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rainbowvelour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowvelour/gifts).



> Blame Rainbow and Barbie for this fic happening. Rainbow got me hooked on writing mizjujulee, and Barbie told me about the "triangle" songs on Folklore, so this was born. For anyone who doesn't know, "Cardigan," "August," and "Betty" are meant to tell the three different sides of a love triangle, which serves as the inspiration for this fic. Each chapter will be from a different perspective as Shea, Cracker, and Jujubee attempt to work through the tangled mess of their romances with one another.  
> A huge thank you to Mac for beta-ing this!  
> Fic title taken from "illicit affairs" by Taylor Swift, chapter title taken from "August" by Taylor Swift.  
> 

_ Salt air, and the rust on your door _

When Shea took a job as a lifeguard at the beach for the summer, she hardly expected the most exciting part of the job to be the summer fling she found herself caught up in.

Her job wasn’t nearly as glorious as the movies made it out to be. There were no dramatic rescue missions, just a lot of little kids shrieking and waving at her as they pranced through the waves. It was cute the first couple of days, but after nearly two months of it, Shea had quickly grown tired of the loud children.

Her shifts rarely overlapped with Brianna’s, but when they did, it was a struggle to keep their interactions casual when they had spent so many nights after work sneaking out to meet each other on the pier. Moonlight dates and stolen kisses from behind the office building plagued Shea’s thoughts whenever she saw the blonde strolling across the sand, causing Shea to swallow the lump in her throat as she gave Brianna a friendly wave, before they both went on their way. But Shea wasn’t blind; the mischievous glint in Brianna’s eyes as she smiled at Shea sent a shiver down her spine in the August heat, and Shea found herself counting down the minutes until they were both off work and could go mess around in the backseat of Shea’s car.

* * *

_ I never needed anything more _

Summer storms were to be expected, but they usually occurred later in the evenings, not in the middle of the day when the beaches were crowded. But that day, however, Shea found herself sitting on the floor of the lifeguard office beside Brianna, both of them soaked from the unexpected torrential downpour they had to run through to reach shelter from the weather. They sat in silence for a moment, watching the rain come down in sheets against the windows, before Shea heard Brianna begin to snicker softly under her breath. She turned her head, raising an eyebrow curiously at the shorter girl, whose blonde hair was drenched and stuck to the sides of her face.

Shea couldn’t help but think that even when she was soaked and borderline shivering from the rain, Brianna was still beautiful. But she shook the thought from her mind, instead reaching to grab one of the bright red sweatshirts from a box beside the desk, handing it over to Brianna without saying a word. The blonde smiled gratefully, slipping the too-big sweatshirt on before scooting closer to Shea.

Sucking in a deep breath, Shea could feel her heart swell inside her chest. Brianna looked adorable, sweater paws and all, as she quietly nuzzled into Shea’s side. Her head came to rest on Shea’s shoulder, and the older girl found herself instinctively wrapping an arm around Brianna’s waist, holding her close.

“You know,” Brianna started after a while, turning her head to peer up at Shea with warm brown eyes. “The rain doesn’t look like it’s going to let up any time soon. We’re probably gonna be stuck here for a while if you wanna, y’know, play a game or something.”

Her words were innocent enough, Shea agreeing and suggesting they look through the desk against the wall to see if there was a pack of cards in any of the drawers. But after searching each of the drawers thoroughly only to come up empty handed, the two girls instead found themselves playing a different kind of game. Brianna had moved to pin Shea against the wall, the taller girl glancing down at the blonde with an amused smirk playing at her lips. 

“Cute,” Shea mused, before tilting Brianna’s head up so their lips could meet in a frenzied kiss. Her hands drifted down to rest on the blonde’s hips, spinning them around so she had the shorter girl pressed against the wall. She felt Brianna’s hands in her still-wet hair, the blonde letting out a soft gasp as Shea’s nails dug into her hips. Shea had the fleeting thought that their bodies fit together perfectly, almost as if they had been made for each other, but the thought was instead replaced by a need to have Brianna even closer as she felt a tug on her hair.

They broke apart a few moments later, both breathing heavily as they glanced back out towards the waterfront. In the distance, they could see the storm clouds rolling in from over the ocean, lightning flashing in the distance. They exchanged a knowing glance, both silently agreeing to leave before the storm hit. Their fingers intertwined as Brianna dragged Shea towards the door of the office, preparing to run through the rain to Shea’s car.

But as they moved to leave, Shea found her eyes lingering on a deck of cards that had been pushed beneath a stack of papers on the desk, and she found herself wondering how Brianna had overlooked them.

* * *

_And I can see us twisted in bedsheets_

Clothes littered the bedroom floor of Shea’s tiny house by the beach, the lightning outside drowning out the soft snores of Brianna napping by her side. She stared up at the ceiling, not daring to move out of fear of waking up Brianna, the blonde’s head resting peacefully on Shea’s shoulder. But then Brianna rolled over onto her side, back to Shea, and Shea took the chance to carefully slip out of her bed. She pulled on an oversized t-shirt and padded into her kitchen, grabbing a glass from one of her cabinets as she looked out the window above the sink, her eyes fixed on the storm around the house. 

The skies outside were dark, clouds swirling together, the occasional white flash illuminating the outlines of the clouds. The accompanying boom rattled the windows of Shea’s little home, the lights momentarily flickering from the power of the storm.

Shea found her thoughts drifting back to the blonde napping in her bed, a fond smile overtaking her face at the idea of slipping back into bed beside her soon. She could get used to this, she decided. Shea wasn’t usually one for flings, but this one felt promising. Brianna gave her hope for a future together. What that entailed, exactly, Shea wasn’t sure of yet, but she was happy to find out.

* * *

_ So much for summer love and saying "us" _

_ 'Cause you weren't mine to lose _

Their job only lasted another two weeks, both girls having to go back to college by the middle of August in order to prepare for the final year of their degrees. They exchanged numbers before leaving, promising to meet up whenever they could since their schools were only an hour away from one another. It was a bittersweet goodbye, filled with nostalgia over all of the evenings they had spent together and a giddy sense of hope at the possibilities the future held. 

But little did Shea know that as Brianna climbed into her car to drive away, that would be the last time she would hear from the blonde for months, their summer fling slipping from her memory the moment she stepped foot back on her home campus. Shea didn’t know then, but it didn’t take her long to figure it out.

Brianna wasn’t really her’s, and likely never would be.


	2. you put me on and said I was your favorite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from "Cardigan" by Taylor Swift.  
> 

_ Vintage tee, brand new phone _

_ High heels on cobblestones _

_ When you are young, they assume you know nothing _

**A few months ago**

Their love was easy, simple, almost childlike in the unbridled joy it brought both of them.

At least, that’s how it was at the start.

But the longer things went on, the more distant Brianna grew, and the more secretive she became around Juju. Things got tense quickly, but Brianna still had this innate ability to make Juju feel wanted, needed, and loved, which was all she had ever really asked for. Brianna picked up the pieces whenever Juju felt like she was falling apart, held her close as she cried, whispered soft  _ I love you _ ’s as they drifted off to sleep together. 

Slowly but surely, though, the little things Juju had come to love about Brianna began to disappear. She stopped checking up on Juju, stopped sending her  _ good night _ and  _ good morning _ texts each day, stopped sending her random videos of her cat “just in case” she needed a pick-me-up in the middle of the day. Stopped making an effort. And it showed.

For a brief moment on Juju’s birthday, she had hoped that things would get better. They spent the night out on the town, bar hopping and wandering the streets together arm in arm. She could still vividly remember the sight of an intoxicated Brianna spinning herself around a streetlight, giggles tumbling from her lips with the kind of unrestrained grace that Juju had always loved seeing from Brianna. She was always so calculated, so determined to control what she let the world see of herself, that moments like these made her heart swell because they were so rare.

But the drunken giddy delight couldn’t last forever, and they both knew that. 

As they stumbled back to Juju’s apartment that night, she couldn’t shake the feeling of how cold and awkward Brianna’s hand felt in her own, their fingers intertwined in a way that she was uncomfortably aware of. It didn’t feel as natural as it once had, almost as if she was holding the hand of a stranger.

Brianna felt like a stranger, even though they had known each other for years.

Even once they entered Juju’s apartment, she couldn’t shake the thought that the familiarity she once felt with Brianna was gone. As their lips met and Brianna’s hands slipped up underneath her top, the touches felt like red-hot iron against Juju’s skin, not the usual electricity she had come to crave from the blonde. Something was wrong, and Juju had to pull away from the blonde just to verify it was even her, not trusting her memory in her inebriated state.

She couldn’t remember what started their fight after that, her mind too muddled to recall much more than the screams and curses exchanged between them, tears flowing down both of their faces. It wasn’t pretty, but things hadn’t been as pretty as they seemed for a while so it didn’t come as much of a surprise.

As Brianna stormed out of her apartment into the dark, rainy night, Juju felt the hollow pit sinking in her stomach, her limbs and mind and heart going numb in tandem.

* * *

_ You drew stars around my scars _

_ But now I'm bleedin' _

**Now**

Juju hadn’t seen Brianna since her birthday. But since the new semester began, she felt like she couldn’t  _ stop  _ seeing Brianna, both around campus and in town.

In the library. At the gym. Outside the hole-in-the-wall coffee shop by the beach. Hell, she had even run into Brianna in her dorm building, and for a second had contemplated whether or not the blonde was stalking her. But after an awkward conversation with the shorter girl, she found out they just happened to live in the same building. 

Go figure.

But over time, their accidental crossing of paths became less tense and guarded, the two of them gradually falling back into the kind of easy conversations that Juju had missed dearly. She wasn’t sure what they were playing at, but she knew it was a dangerous game. Brianna was only a couple moves away from checkmate, Juju’s heart taking the place of the king in their game of chess.

One thing led to another, and Juju found herself right back where she was before her birthday - in and out of Brianna’s bed, seeking comfort within the blonde’s embrace any chance she could get. Part of her hated herself for falling back into the blonde’s arms, but she couldn’t help it. When everyone else had made Juju feel discarded and forgotten, Brianna was always there to reassure her that she was loved.

Brianna made her feel special and wanted, who was she to deny herself the opportunity to bask in those feelings?

A fool, evidently. A blind, overly trusting fool.

It was mid November when the truth finally came to light. She and Brianna had been officially dating again for nearly a month at that point, both of them making themselves at home in each others’ apartments. Juju could see the grayscale sunlight peeking through Brianna’s blinds, the overcast sky outside threatening an early snow flurry. 

For once, she found herself looking forward to the snow, wanting to take advantage of the first snowfall so she and Brianna could do all the childish cheesy winter activities - snowball fights, going sledding, and then curling up together afterwards with a mug of hot cocoa. It was their ideal kind of date, one that mirrored the playful ease their relationship held. 

Juju’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Brianna’s ringtone reverberating through the tiny bedroom, the blonde immediately calling out asking Juju to answer it. She knew her girlfriend had been expecting a call about an interview for graduate school, so she had been practically glued to her phone the past couple weeks. Rolling onto her side, Juju grabbed the pastel pink device off Brianna’s nightstand, barely glancing at the unsaved number before accepting the call.

“Brianna’s phone,” she answered tiredly, stifling a yawn.

“Who is this?” The voice on the other end of the line replied. Juju assumed it was a woman, she sounded roughly their age, which caused her eyebrows to knit together in confusion.

As she explained that she was Brianna’s girlfriend and that the blonde was in the bathroom showering, she felt her stomach begin to bubble with unease. Her gut told her this wasn’t going to end well, that she should just hang up right then and there, but she didn’t for some reason. Maybe it was a mix of morbid curiosity and a need to know, or maybe she was just too scared of what would happen if she hung up without hearing the caller out. So she listened.

She listened as the girl introduced herself ( _ Shea,  _ she had said her name was), listened as she explained how she had been trying to contact Brianna since August. Listened even as Shea shared the story of Brianna ghosting her, leaving their relationship to drift away with the tides after their summer working together as lifeguards had ended.

By the end of the call, Juju felt sick, hurt, and more than anything else,  _ angry _ . Maybe it was a bad idea, but as soon as she hung up the phone, she found herself reaching for her own phone. She clicked through instagram until she found the girl she thought must be Shea, scrolling through her account aimlessly until she spotted a photo of the girl with Brianna, confirming everything the phone call had revealed to her.

She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, the world around her spinning on its head as she stumbled out of bed. She needed to get away, needed out of Brianna’s apartment immediately. She quickly typed out some text to Brianna about being late for a meeting with a professor, scrambling to get dressed so she could rush out the door before Brianna was out of the shower.

She could deal with the blonde later, she decided. For now, she needed answers, and it seemed like Shea was the way to get them.

As she darted down the hall to her own apartment, Juju hit the  _ message  _ button on Shea’s profile, and began drafting up a message asking to meet up with the girl. The  _ ding  _ of a new message rang through the hall within seconds, Shea agreeing to a meeting without any hesitation.

* * *

_ I knew you _

_ Tried to change the ending _

_ Peter losing Wendy _

They met up that weekend, Juju making the drive to Shea’s university so they could meet without fear of running into Brianna anywhere. It felt weird, almost like she was living in one of those lame rom-coms where the wife of some sleazy man goes to meet up with his mistress. Though the situations weren’t quite the same, she imagined her feelings were likely pretty similar to those of the distressed wives who had only just learned they had been cheated on. 

Except she technically hadn’t been cheated on.

But she had been blindsided, and Shea had been led on, so they both needed some closure. And this seemed like the only way either of them would get it.

Little did they know what their attempt at seeking closure would lead to.

* * *

_ But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss _

_ I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs _

_ The smell of smoke would hang around this long _

By December, Juju had dumped Brianna, only to start dating Shea instead. As it turned out, Brianna wasn’t the only one who knew how to make Juju feel special.

Shea made Juju feel every soft, warm, fuzzy feeling Brianna had ever given her, with the added benefits of trust and no past conflicts. It was like coming home in a sense, the two women united in their mutual pain. They were both a little hollow, a little empty from investing so much time and energy into the blonde, but they did their best to fill each other with the love they knew they both deserved.

They kept telling themselves they were better off without her, repeating the words in the hopes that one day they might believe it.

But even as they spent winter break together, wrapped up in sheets and curled up in blankets on the porch of Shea’s little house by the beach, they both found their hearts longing for the blonde, wishing they could relive the simpler times spent with her. They brushed the feelings aside, neither speaking of their longing. They spent hours kissing to make the memories disappear, cuddled together at night to reassure themselves that they had made the right choice in leaving Brianna behind. 

By January, they finally found themselves believing the words they kept telling themselves. They  _ were _ better off without her, they  _ had _ made the right choice in leaving her behind. They only needed each other, and they were content with that. 

For the moment being, at least.


	3. I don't know anything, but I know I miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter is here at last! This took a while to finish up, but it's done finally! I hope you all enjoyed it, thank you for coming along on my impulsive three part journey <3  
> 

_When I passed your house_  
_It's like I couldn't breathe_

Brianna never expected to fall in love with two different women in the span of a year.

Juju and Shea were about as different as could be, existing in worlds that had seemed galaxies apart, yet had been equally as appealing to Brianna. Juju had been the long-time friend turned lover, the rom-com type of love story so many people aspired to stumble upon. But they couldn’t seem to make things work.

Shea coming into her life had seemed like a second chance at a happy ending until she got scared and fucked it all up. Things were easy over the summer; they worked together, lived near one another, got to see each other on an almost daily basis. But the moment Brianna got back to college, she found herself paralyzed in place at the thought of even  _ trying  _ to text Shea. The added pressure of seeing Juju’s car outside her apartment building didn’t help, either.

At first, she had assumed Juju was just visiting a friend, helping someone else move into the building. But as the days passed, Brianna’s sense of dread grew. Instead of disappearing from the parking lot, she saw the car move spots periodically, and after a couple weeks came to the conclusion that she had unknowingly moved into the same building as Juju. 

Just what she needed.

Her fear of running into Juju kept her from texting or calling Shea, paralyzed by the thought of trying to explain that her ex was likely living just down the hall. She knew it wouldn’t bode well, would only serve to create an air of doubt around her trustworthiness.

Though in hindsight, maybe ghosting Shea made her more untrustworthy than living in the same building as her ex… and getting back together with said ex was probably her worst offense.

Scratch that, it was definitely her worst offense. At least as far as Shea was concerned.

When it came to Juju, Brianna had  _ desperately _ wanted it to work out the second time around. She couldn’t be mad that her lack of communication with Shea had come back to bite her in the ass, how could she? She was the only one to blame. She had fucked up, and now the two women she cared about most were dating  _ each other _ .

And that was the most painful part of it all. Watching them not only move on and be happy, but be happy with one another - it felt like a kick straight to Brianna’s gut. Her heart ached and her stomach churned each time she saw a photo of them on her instagram feed. She was constantly worried she would see them out on a date somewhere, having recognized several locations from around town in their photos online, her worry and guilt bringing her to the point of hardly leaving her apartment outside of going to classes. 

Sure, maybe that wasn’t healthy for her, but neither was drinking. Or listening to music with her headphones at max volume. Or eating an entire bag of cheetos and chugging coffee when she was stressed from pulling an all-nighter.

But everyone had unhealthy habits, and unfortunately for Brianna, one of hers was chronically trying to avoid her problems at all costs.

* * *

_ I was walking home on broken cobblestones  
_ _ Just thinking of you when she pulled up like  
A figment of my worst intentions _

Brianna knew better than to go out anywhere without bringing an umbrella, knowing how frequently the sky would spontaneously open up and unleash a torrential downpour on the town. So  _ of course  _ the one time she forgot to grab an umbrella was one of the times it started pouring down rain while she was walking through town. She could feel the bitter cold of the rain threatening to seep straight into her bones, pelting her face and arms and any bit of exposed skin, drenching her within moments. She could run under the awning of a shop, try to wait the rain out, but that was pointless since the rain was, quite literally, coming down sideways. 

So she stuck it out. She trudged through the rain, arms wrapped tightly around herself as she kept her head down, trying to keep the rain from blurring her line of vision. All around her she could hear the sound of shoes hastily clacking against the pavement, tires screeching and birds crying out as everyone simultaneously seemed determined to get out of the rain as quickly as possible. She tried to tone out the noises, letting her feet carry her home as her brain shut off, all of her thoughts washed away in the downpour.

But then she heard a set of tires screech to a halt beside her, and the loud whine of somebody’s window struggling to roll down on its own. She wouldn’t have paid the noises much attention, had it not been for a familiar voice calling her name, making her freeze in place. For a split second, she thought she had imagined it, her stomach filling with dread at the prospect of facing the person she thought had called her name. 

Just as she was about to start walking again, swearing she had imagined it, she heard her name called again, and her head quickly whipped to the right. A bright blue car sat idling at the side of the road, Juju and Shea sitting together in the front seats of the vehicle. Brianna’s stomach and heart sank in tandem, a lump forming in her throat at the sight of the two women she had hurt. This could  _ not  _ be happening, not now.

“Get in, Brianna,” Juju called out, Shea turning around in her seat to open one of the rear doors for her. Brianna stood frozen in place for a second, contemplating running away from the situation for the sake of avoiding whatever berating or awkward conversation she would inevitably have to face, but then Shea called out to her to  _ hurry up and get in already _ , and she had no choice but to crawl into the back seat of Juju’s car.

As she pulled the door shut, Brianna couldn’t keep her mind from drifting. The last time she had been in Juju’s back seat had been under drastically different circumstances, the two girls making out in the movie theatre parking lot at the end of one of their dates. She couldn’t help but wonder if Juju had ever messed around with Shea in the backseat after a movie. The image tried to sear itself into the back of her mind, but Brianna quickly shook her head, as if it would prevent the idea from haunting her late at night. 

She didn’t want to think about that. Not now, not ever. Though part of her had a sneaking suspicion the idea would creep back into her brain the next time she was a few drinks in and on the brink of calling Shea or Juju to apologize. But she could deal with that later. For now, she needed to focus on surviving what was likely going to be the most uncomfortable car ride of her life.

Except it wasn’t.

The car ride passed by in eerily comfortable silence, only the sound of the raindrops battering the exterior of Juju’s car hanging in the air. Sure, her stomach sank when she noticed Juju and Shea holding hands in the front seat, but otherwise it wasn’t nearly as bad as she had anticipated.

There were no awkward conversations, no emotional meltdowns or accusatory interrogations. It was just a car ride.

And when they pulled up to the building both Juju and Brianna lived in, they all exited Juju’s car in silence. They rode up the elevator together in silence. Got out on the same floor in silence.

Brianna went to break the silence just before their departure, opening her mouth to apologize and thank them for the car ride. But before she could get a word in, she was cut off.

“Save it, Brianna,” Juju interrupted, holding her hand up. Shea shot Brianna a look, and the blonde found herself immediately shutting her mouth, her whole body tensing up. “It was just a ride home.”

“Got it. Thanks,” Brianna muttered, before turning on her heels and shuffling down the hall to her apartment.

* * *

**> Shea and Juju have been added to the chat**

_ Bri: Look, before you both say you hate me, just let me get this off my chest. I’m sorry for hurting you both, I know you’ll never believe me when I say that was never my intention, but it wasn’t. I love you, both of you, and I hate myself for fucking everything up so badly. But I’m glad you two are happy, you deserve happiness, even if I couldn’t be the one to give you that. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll leave you both alone now. _

**> Bri left the chat**

* * *

_I showed up at your party_  
_Will you have me? Will you love me?_

When Brianna got the invite for Blair’s birthday party, she figured it would be innocent enough. A small party at Blair’s house with just a few people, celebrating the younger girl finally turning 21. It would be  _ fun _ , something Brianna’s life had been lacking the past few months.

Never did she expect Blair’s “ _ small _ ” birthday party to be an all-out rager, people crowding every room of the newly-21 year old’s house. Nor did she expect the party to be hosted by Juju, who had been the younger girl’s mentor when she first started college, and was now standing on a chair in the kitchen yelling at the top of her lungs as a group of twenty or so people chanted for Blair to take a shot.

This was not the kind of party she had expected. At all.

Brianna turned to leave after spotting Juju in the kitchen, knowing the girl well enough to know that she was already past the point of being tipsy. As she began pushing her way through the crowd to reach the front door, she found herself being dragged to the side of the room by a hand on her arm, one she quickly tried to shake off with no success. She was about to start fighting back, to start screaming and flailing her arms wildly, assuming she had been grabbed by one of the obnoxious frat boys Blair swore was an endearing, pure-hearted dumbass. But just as she opened her mouth to start screaming, her eyes focused on the person who had grabbed her arm, silence crashing over her like a wave at the sight of a tipsy Shea standing before her.

“We need to talk,” Shea stated matter of factly, her tone striking fear into Brianna’s heart. “Stay here, I’m gonna grab Juju. All three of us need to talk.”

Brianna didn’t have a chance to object, Shea disappearing into the crowd without another word. For a split second, the idea crossed her mind that she should just  _ run _ , should book it out to her car and drive home before the two girls came to find her, but she  _ knew  _ how much worse that would make the whole situation. It was a clusterfuck already, but there was a part of Brianna that hoped that them wanting to talk meant they would at least hear her out. She didn’t dare hope for forgiveness though, no matter how badly she wanted it.

A few minutes later she could see both Shea and Juju weaving their way towards her through the crowd, both girls grabbing one of her arms as they began to pull her towards the back door, slipping out onto Blair’s patio in an attempt to get some semblance of privacy at the party. There was no one in the backyard, thankfully, but they were still easily within sight of the party, visible through the sliding glass patio door. 

Brianna’s eyes drifted to the fence around the yard, landing on the gate that opened up to the side of the house. That was her escape plan, she decided, should she need it. She prayed she wouldn’t have to make a quick escape, but her mind was racing and swirling with too many possible outcomes for this conversation to not form  _ some  _ kind of escape plan.

Her eyes then redirected to focus on Shea and Juju, who were taking a seat together on the outdoor bench, gesturing for Brianna to sit in one of the chairs circling around the bench. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she sat, wiping her hands on her knees in a desperate attempt to ignore how clammy they had become. 

She watched as the two girls looked at each other for a moment, seemingly coming to some kind of unspoken agreement before they both turned to settle their gaze on Brianna. She felt like the spotlight was on her suddenly, and the nervous feeling that was bubbling up inside her stomach reminded her of middle school choir recitals, fear threatening to overwhelm her just before she was set to take stage for the song she had a solo in. Only this moment was so much worse than any kind of stage fright, the two women she loved more than anyone else were staring right into her soul in a way that made Brianna fear she might spontaneously combust into flames. 

It was too much. 

She needed out,  _ she couldn’t do this -  _

“We miss you,” Juju spoke at last, her voice softer than Brianna had expected. The delicate way she spoke reminded her of lazy mornings spent cuddled in bed with Juju, her heart aching at the memories, and Brianna had to blink a few times in confusion, unsure if she had heard the other girl correctly.

“You what?” She asked, baffled as her eyes flitted back and forth between the two.  _ Where the hell was this going? _

“We miss you,” Juju repeated, Shea nodding her head in confirmation. “A lot, actually. And as much as we would both like to pretend you never existed and move on, we can’t do that. There’s something missing.  _ This,”  _ Juju gestured between herself and Shea, “doesn’t feel right, and we’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t feel right because we both still have feelings for you.”

The weight of Juju’s words hung heavy in the air, weighing Brianna down as her mind reeled with what they were saying. They weren’t mad.  _ They weren’t mad _ . No, instead they  _ missed her _ . 

But what did that mean? 

Were they breaking up because of her? If they were breaking up because of her, Brianna didn’t think she could ever forgive herself, even though she had done everything possible to stay out of things and let them be happy on their own. And yet somehow, it seemed, she had still fucked everything up for them.  _ Great _ .

“I -,” Brianna started, pausing as she tried to figure out what the fuck she was going to say in response to all of that. It was heavy and confusing, and more than anything else it made Brianna want to scream and cry in frustration and guilt. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Juju murmured softly, leaning forward to grab one of Brianna’s hands, holding it between her own as Shea echoed the sentiment. The touch both stung and comforted Brianna, reminding her of what they once had while serving as a slap to the face reminding her of how badly she had fucked up. 

“We actually had an idea of how we could all fix things,” Shea chimed in, the words causing Brianna’s stomach to do a flip.  _ What the hell was she talking about?  _ Brianna looked over at Juju with uncertainty, biting her bottom lip nervously as the other girl flashed her a reassuring smile. She sucked in a deep breath, then glanced back over at Shea.

“What did you have in mind?” Brianna asked, making the choice to let her guard down. If they were willing to fix the mess she had created, Brianna was all ears, since this was far better than anything she ever could have hoped would happen.

“The three of us all date, together.” Shea deadpanned, the words catching Brianna off-guard. Brianna wasn’t sure exactly what she was expecting Shea’s proposed resolution to be, but she certainly wasn’t anticipating that. 

“Just think about it,” Juju jumped in, giving Brianna’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Even you said you have feelings for us both. We both have feelings for each other, and for you, so it kind of makes sense. We all get to see each other, and no one gets hurt by it because no one is hiding anything. You don’t have to decide right now, just think on it. We’ve been thinking about it for a while now, let us know what you decide?”

So Brianna did just that. She thought on it, long and hard, for several days following the party. She battled her internal fears about hurting them both again, thinking through what Juju had said at the party. And as much as she was scared of fucking up, Juju had been right. It  _ did  _ make sense, given how much they all cared about each other.

After pushing past her fear of hurting them, Brianna found herself making her way down the hall to Juju’s apartment a few days later, knowing Shea would be there too after having seen her car out in the parking lot. She knocked on the front door, quickly shoving her hands into her pockets afterwards to hide her nerves as she prepared to face the two. Though she had made her decision, there was a part of her that was scared they wouldn’t want this anymore, scared that she had taken too long to make up her mind. But when Juju opened the door and smiled at her, Shea standing just behind her, Brianna felt her worries melt away.

She struggled for a second to find the words to convey what she wanted to say, to tell them how much she loved them both and wanted to be with them, but all she could come up with was, “I miss you two.” 

“Does that mean…” Shea started, eyebrows raised as she peered at Brianna from over Juju’s shoulder. Unable to find the words, Brianna just nodded her head.

But apparently that did the trick, because then she was being pulled inside Juju’s apartment, both women wrapping their arms around her in a tight hug. She felt at home in their arms, like it was where she belonged, her heart fluttering as the thought lingered in her mind. She felt welcomed, content,  _ loved _ , and fought back tears of gratitude as she tightly hugged them back.

In that moment, Brianna knew she had made the right choice. And somehow, she also knew that things would be okay between the three of them. Sure, it would take a while to figure everything out, but for once she found herself looking forward to figuring things out, because she knew it meant she’d get to have both Shea and Juju by her side as they all navigated this  _ together _ .


End file.
